Shift in Focus.

There are times when you realize something about you has changed and sometimes, it’s too late to be part of the change. The change has already happened and you realize it’s done. And so you sit there and think hmm, that’s funny, I would not have said/done/thought/put up with that a year ago. What happened? Huh. Somewhere along the way, I must have changed/let go/stopped caring.

There are other times when you feel different. Something is going on – you can feel it. And that’s when you’re part of the change. You’re actually in the process of changing and you’re not so sure you want to notice what’s going on, just in case it destroys the magic at work. You know, to avoid self-sabotage, because usually these changes happen for a good reason. You think to yourself hmm, weird, I’m not sure how to react to that, my first reflex would be to [insert course of action here] but now I want to [insert appropriate alternative course of action here].

That’s what I’m going through right now.
And it’s weird. It’s good – but it’s weird.

I feel strangely at peace with the world. Don’t get me wrong, I still have all the worries I’ve always had. But somehow, they are not affecting me as much. That is because gradually, I am becoming a huge fan of the Fuck It Response. The Fuck It Response is great. The Fuck It Response has allowed me to go back to work and, although today is the conclusion of my first 2 ½-day week back, I am satisfied with what I’ve done. I haven’t actually done anything. And I feel okay about it. I think it’s called Learning to Work Within Your New Limitations. Can’t do something, don’t do it. And certainly don’t feel shitty about not being able to do it. Do what you can. Accept it. Move on. Fuck It.

This, I noticed, applied at work this week. And there was much rejoicing, as H says.

This, I noticed, is starting to apply to what people do and say. Do you realize what this means? It means I am almost rid of my tiresome and taxing habit of feeling responsible for everything around me! How awesome is that? I think I have to update the letter I wrote to my kid a few months ago.

Dear Little Girl in my Belly,

My poor little monkeygirl, you have a psycho mom who does things to people in her mind and that makes her feel better. Just a friendly warning - she will probably do this again when you become a teenager. You know, when you insist on wearing clothes that make you look naked/make your real face disappear underneath five coats of foundation and other cosmetic things/refuse to listen to Wu-Tang/do fuck all with your life at 25/total her brand new turquoise Segway. (If Daddy ever agrees to let her have one. He still has not agreed to the Vespa plan. But that is another story, which we can discuss at length with him when you start asking for one too.)

Your mom will deal with it. Because now, not only does your mom do things to people in her mind - now, she knows the meaning of Fuck It. And she will attempt to better understand the concept so she can not only apply it to all the funny unexplained things you will unleash on this family, but also explain it to you and spare you years of unnecessary self-inflicted guilt.

Love and monkeykisses,

Your mom xoxo