Don’t get me wrong. It is not the first time I vacuum since we’ve arrived here. It’s just the first time I do it properly. Don’t look at me that way. I am lazy. I do it properly more often than not. Oh, shove off.
(Wait – was I having a conversation with the little person living inside my head again? Sorry about that, throng of readers. Carry on.)
It pains me to even think of vacuuming properly ever again, because – oooh having four floors is fantastically awesome – but goddammit (my spell check tells me this should be spelled g-o-l-d-s-m-i-t-h) I had to plug the vacuum cleaner in three different outlets – three! – to vacuum all of the stairs. Breathe in, Caro, breathe out. Little person living inside my head, I suggest you go get dressed and quit whining. What? No. You don’t look sexy in a loincloth. Now go.
(Again, I apologize, numerous fans.)
There are 20 steps total in this house, divided in 3 staircases, one of which angles at some point. When I go up the stairs, it angles to the right. When I go down the stairs, it angles to the left. Very strange. It’s like one of those Escher drawings. Anyway. The vacuum’s tube is not long, so after I’ve vacuumed the bottom two steps, I have to hold the vacuum up in the air with one arm, and vacuum vigorously (it’s carpeted stairs) with the other hand. Okay, granted, this is a petty whining topic, but it pisses me off! I just had to write a post about it. I know someone somewhere is agreeing with me right now, sitting in front of their PC (…or Mac) nodding and remembering it’s about time they vacuum too. Sorry for reminding you. I recommend going home after work tonight, having a glass of wine, and completely discarding the thought from your mind. Okay, maybe two glasses of wine. Drink half the bottle. Then you can do something else and not feel guilty. Oh - and about those vacuum tubes? My whole life, I’ve thought these things look like elephant’s trunks. Especially those fabric-covered ones, just like on my grandmother’s old Electrolux. But that is beside the point.
Well, I went through your blog today...I don't know why precisely TODAY as long as you started writing comments on Brig's blog ages ago...
ReplyDeleteI must say that I really like the way you write and I quite admire your moral strength as well as your sense of humour...
But, KNITTING, seriously??? How come??!! ;-)) (Just kidding...).
Vacuum??? Aren't we, like, not supposed to say bad words on blogs? A post about vacuuming!
ReplyDeleteDo you realize young children could wander on your blog by chance and SEE this? You know, not EVERYBODY is equipped to deal with the concept of vacuuming, but whatever...go ahead...say dirty things, suggest obscene occupations, just don't mind me.
By the way, I don't vacuum, I just pass my cats in the corners and under the furniture...
so the part about holding the vacuum up in the air with one hand is where i completely lost it, right here in the middle of this painfully trendy coffeeshop where the only sounds are steaming milk, gillian welch, and the tapping of keyboards.
ReplyDeletetortaluga - The part where I hold the vacuum up in the air was pretty much when I lost it as well...
ReplyDeletebrig - I've been avoiding this taboo for far too long. Someone had to take it out in the open.
newyorkangel - knitting is my therapy...and it works. ;o) thanks for stopping by!
I've started using the vacuum as a very effective bug catcher. I'm not sure if it actually kills them the first time around, so I make sure to suck up a lot of dirt and other thingamabobs after the bug to reassure myself that I've killed it.
ReplyDeleteSeriously you should see the size of the bugs S and I find in his apartment. We both scream eeek and bolt for the vacuum. These things are from outerspace. Bleheheheh. ick ick.